Stabbing The Franchise: Elektra (2005)

No. Just…no. I refuse to discuss this. Oh, what the heck…I finally sat through Catwoman…it seems unfair to avoid Elektra.

The film opens with General Zod telling us that Elektra is important to the forces of good and evil. We then get a sequence with Lucius Malfoy. He is telling a black ops type security team they are protecting him from Elektra. They fail. It is shot really nicely, most everything is awash in darkness, so the red of Elektra’s outfit is striking.

We learn Electra is doing the paid assassins gig and is apparently a bit quirky about her DNA. We see her training with Stick (Terrence Stamp) and I am unsure if this is a flashback. She later meets this girl stealing a bracelet in a house that guess is Elektra’s new house. Then she has a flashback to her dad teaching her to swim in that time honored method of yelling at your kids as they drown. Then she has another nightmare where a demon kills her mom or something. So she wakes up we get a training montage.

The girl turns out to be a neighbor named Abbey. Abbey invites…well, coerced would be more accurate… Elektra to dinner with her single dad Mark. We discover Elektra is there for a job…to kill Mark and Abby. But of course, she cannot do it.

Whoever wants them dead sends ninjas. It should be noted, Electra apparently has the ability to see the future…and in the future she fails. So she changes the future. This pisses off the Hand, an organization is magical ninjas. They decide to pursue Elektra themselves…apparently they want Abbey for something… magical.

When I say magical, I am not making an amusing joke. they can give you instant diseases, turn into smoke, have living tattoos and so on. Elektra hides the two with her agent. The Hand shows up and chases after Elektra, Abbey and Mark. She discovers that Abbey is actually a capable fighter with magical gold string… Abby is The Treasure. Stick and a cavalry of Ninjas (we know they are good, cause their ninja clothes are white…seriously, it is that on the nose. It is an hour in, by the way when I realize Stick is blind.

In another battle, this time with magical bed sheets, she fails to protect Abbey. But it turns out that Elektra has magical teases and brings abbey back to life. Then she kisses Mark because they apparently fell in love offscreen? Afterwards Elektra walks off and some Nu Metal song queues the credits.

I cannot think of a whole lot positive to say about Elektra. It is… Mystifyingly incoherent. It never really makes much sense, even after things are explained. Interestingly, it is a spinoff of Marvel’s Daredevil movie…but makes no connection. Her death is referred to in vague terms. The villains lack personalities…they are strictly defined by their powers. It is hard to care about the events of a film when you cannot be given a reason to care beyond being told “this is important.”. The film lacks any characters for the viewer to connect to. Oddly, I chose to watch the directors cut…how much more incoherent was the theatrical cut of this film?!

Elektra certainly gives Catwoman a run for the money for a top spot in the Worst Comic Book Movie competition.

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